Nathaniel Braden How to Raise your Self-Esteem Book Review by Ndiritu Wahome

As one of my favourite authors, a former literary friend and lover of Any Rand, Nathaniel Braden’s How to Raise your Self-esteem is a book I would highly recommend to anyone struggling with self-acceptance, self-concept and self-esteem. Written in an easy-to-understand language any layman can comprehend its essence, the book offers various ways in which we can improve our poor self-esteem to become positive and consequently live a full life of love, happiness and immense success.

What is Self-Esteem in Psychotherapy?

It is the pinnacle of how we feel about ourselves, who we are and what we think we are. It is what drives us regarding how we see ourselves concerning others. Everything in our lives is at the core of our self-esteem, from our work, love and sex to family. How we view ourselves affects every aspect of our lives. As Nathaniel notes, ‘Let us understand what self-esteem is. It has two components: a feeling of personal competence and a feeling of personal worth. In other words, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence and self-respect. It reflects your implicit judgement of your ability to cope with the challenges of your life (to understand and master your problems) and the right to be happy (to respect and stand up for your interests and needs).

Positive self-esteem is the ability to cope with reality, with what is rather than denying it. It offers you the efficacy to deal with what is happening around you by accepting the fact that you are in control. You are the mover. Everything comes from you and not the other way round. You are in control. There is a school of thought that considers positive self-esteem as utter selfishness, but there is nothing wrong with selfishness, there is virtue in selfishness. The more selfish an individual is, the higher their self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self-concept. One thing, however, we must not mistake this with self-glorification at the expense of others, or the feeling of being superior to others to elevate oneself. This is inadequate self-esteem that is the genesis of boastfulness, arrogance and an air of self-importance.

Self-Concept As A Root to Positive Self-Esteem

It is imperative to understand how healthy self-esteem comes about and its relation to self-concept. The former is who and what we consciously and unconsciously think we are and it is an evaluative component of the latter. It shapes our destiny, or deepest visions of ourselves and therefore curves the kind of life we create for ourselves.

One of the most important components of self-concept is the ability to accept reality and not live in denial. Many times we know we need to do something for instance get a divorce or quit our employment to start a business, but rarely do we do so. We tell ourselves that we are happy and that everything will eventually work in our favour, but that seldom happens. This is where the self-concept we hold for ourselves comes to play. We lie to ourselves and in doing so harm our self-esteem. We start to see ourselves as inadequate in making major decisions that are the gateway to our freedom, success and happiness. This deeply wounds our self-esteem, therefore, we sink into unhappiness and eventually depression. It is fundamental for us not to live in lies, not to deny reality. To accept our shortcomings and act now. If we feel that making a major decision like getting a divorce will set us free and give way to our happiness, then we should act immediately and not waver. We should not compromise on how we think and feel as this will lower our self-esteem and lead us to a miserable life filled with illnesses like obesity and depression.

The Art of Living Consciously and Learning Self-Acceptance

It is of utmost importance to put ourselves first in every decision we make. We should always consider how any decision we intend to make will affect our self-esteem, respect and confidence in ourselves. How can we achieve this fete without feeling guilty or inadequate? We need to live consciously and authentically.

What is living Consciously?

As Ayn Rand finely puts it in objective philosophy,  our mind is the basic tool of survival.  We can either choose to think or not. To use it or not. We can decide to actively engage reason and logic in our thinking, to make impactful decisions that will progressively change our lives or refuse to think and be like bums. The only way we can use our mind as the basic tool of survival is by practising the art of living consciously by first accepting who we are. By accepting our limitations and our strongholds as a person. By knowing that life belongs to us alone, and we are the captains of our lives. No one can think for us. We have to do all the thinking for ourselves. If we choose to live unthinkingly, our sense of worthless suffers accordingly and this affects our self-esteem. For our lives to change, we must accept change by engaging our minds to think objectively. When we are conscious of ourselves, we can accept ourselves for who we are, and not what other people think of us. And this will raise the level of our self-value, respect, confidence and esteem.

We need to accept who we are. Whether we are short or tall, dark or white, we need to accept that and not live in denial as this will only hurt the impression we see of ourselves. If we refuse to accept the reality of who we are and live in lies, we will only suffer and eventually perish. By living, ‘consciously we observe respect for the facts of reality, in short, we live responsibly towards reality. We seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purpose, values, and goals, and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.’ We take responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged.

What is Living Authentically?

This is the ability to be true to ourselves and not go around telling ourselves lies about the present. Living authentically is being honest and truthful to yourself and not denying the facts about reality. For instance, when I, ‘choose to fake the reality of my person, I do so to mislead the consciousness of others (as well as my own). I do so because I  feel or believe that who I really am is not acceptable. I value a delusion in someone else’s mind above my knowledge of the truth.’ The consequence of this approach is that I go on with life with the huge torment of being an impostor. I subject myself to the harsh anxiety of when I will be found out. I live in the lies of faking the truth of who I am. This consequently affects the way I view myself thereby affecting my self-esteem. I start to feel lesser of who I am, I live in fear and deception of not being found out that I am a scam and a fake.

For us to have high self-esteem, we must live authentically. We must be true to ourselves and not go on with life denying reality and living in fear of being found out. We must live responsibly.

What is Living Responsibly?

People who have high self-esteem take responsibility for their lives. One way they do so is by being responsible for the consequences of each decision they make. They take one hundred per cent accountability for every action done. They act. They do not wait for others to fulfil their dreams. They do not sit the whole day and wait for an angel to help them. Also, they do not shift blame when decisions made do not turn out as expected.  In short, they take full responsibility for their existence and the attainment of their desires.

For us to live a full life and have healthy self-esteem, we must be responsible for our lives. We must be fully conscious that no one is coming to rescue us from the bad decisions and inactivities we have indulged in. We must know and understand life belongs to us alone and we are accountable for it solely.